The Wheatley Show
by Xelac
Summary: Spin-off of ALaAS. Wheatley 'borrows' a camera and decides to give you weekly updates on the random happenings in the Average Aperture.
1. Chapter 1

"Is… is it recording?" Wheatley wondered, his bright blue eyes filling the camera's view. He walked outside of the camera's view to an unseen door and called, "The red light means it's recording right? ... Oh!"

From its position, the camera could only see a messy bed with dull orange covers and the plain white wall its side was up against. He quickly stumbled back into the camera's field of view and got into a relatively presentable position on the bed.

"Um, hey guys!" he greeted, sounding cheerful, "And, I guess, welcome to my new show! I, well, _borrowed_ a camera from GLaDOS and now I'm coming to you live, well not live, but coming to you from Aperture! Obviously, I'm the core that you played Portal 2 and read Average Life at Aperture Science for."

He paused for a second, wondering what to say next.

"So, uh, this is just a little show that I'm going to do weekly so our authoress can try to get back into the habit of writing," he explained, "She will also be taking requests for one-shots. So, let's get on with explaining the different sections of the show… wait a moment…"

_~The Random Event of the Week~_

He rustled around the room for a minute before finally finding a crumbled up piece of paper.

"Alright then, so, the first part of the show will be the co-host of the week, but since this is the first episode, it's just me," he began, "Next will be the… ah, the random event of the week. Basically, I spent the last week just wandering around the facility and following people around with the camera to see if I can film something amusing, and I filmed as follows!"

The camera cuts to a scene of Space and Curiosity, who were standing on a table, leaning against each other and singing at the top of their lungs:

"I can show you the spaaaaaace!

Shining, shimmering, splendid!

Tell me, space cop, now when did you last

Let your space decide?

I can open your space!

Take you asteroid by asteroid,

Over, sideways, and under on a

Magic space ship ride!

A whole new spaaaaaace!

A new fantastic point of view!

No one to tell us no,

Or where to go,

Or say we're only dreaming-"

The camera looked to the left at Chell, who noted seriously, "This is what we get for giving them caffeine."

"We really need to cut back on the Disney," Glados commented as the camera swung to the right to look at her.

"But, this is just so beautiful," Wheatley joked from behind the camera.

Curiosity and Space had gotten to the part of the song that split into a simultaneous duet.

"A whole new spaaaaace!" Curiosity sang in a surprisingly pretty voice.

"Don't you dare close your space," Space sang at almost the same time.

"A hundred thousand things to see!"

"Hold your space, it gets better!"

"I'm like a shooting star, I've come so far, I can't go back to where I used to be!"

"A whole new spaaaace!"

The camera cut back suddenly to Wheatley, who was staring distractedly off into the distance.

He shook himself. "You know, I spent a very, _very_ long time just wandering around with that camera hoping to catch something good. I have hours of just useless footage. I wouldn't have to do that if I could just use footage from GLaDOS's cameras, but that would only happen if she gave me access to them and stopped threatening to slowly dip me into acid. Anyway."

He pulled out the sheet of paper again.

_~The Prank of the Week~_

"Next would be the prank of the week," he announced, "For each prank, I will go into someone else's room, make a _slight_ change to it, and then hide the camera in it to film their reactions. Enjoy."

The camera changed again, this time to a room very similar to Wheatley's. The bed was the same but much cleaner, and the camera was in a position to see more of the room, like the white door and the wooden dresser with a lamp on it. The major difference (other than the tidier bed) were the Styrofoam cups filled to the brim with water covering every surface. Morality, her nose in a book, walked in and tripped on the first few cups. Falling over, she crushed and knocked over several of the cups on the floor and drenched her front side, barely saving the book from being soaked.

The camera switched back again.

"That was kind of a basic prank, very classic," Wheatley commented, "But for this first prank I targeted Morality since I knew she wouldn't get me back because she's so nice, which is also why I didn't really want to do too much to her. Anyway, you can request who to prank next and even how to prank them. So, moving on."

_~The Dare of the Week~_

"The next section is the dare of the week, which are provided by you, the reviewers," he explained, "For this first episode, I thought about asking Chell, but after hearing her dare, I figured I'd be better off asking someone who might actually care for my well-being. Like you, hopefully! So," he cleared his throat, "let's just move on to the next part."

_~The Questions of the Week~_

"The next section's the questions of the week," he said, "Once again, they come from you, so nothing this week. You can ask whatever you like, just stay within, you know, reason. I will pick a maximum of five, and if there's less then five, there will be whatever number there is, and if there aren't any, then we'll make them up."

_~The Meme of the Week~_

Wheatley let out an exhausted sigh. "We are finally reaching the end of the first episode," he said, "And I'm looking down at the bottom of the Word document and we are still less than a thousand words! It's felt like three thousand or something. Anyway, we will end each episode with the meme of the week, which for this week is…"

He reached for something on the floor off to the side out of the camera's view.

"The Companion Cube!" he exclaimed, placing the cube on his lap, "Which, we all know, came from the first Portal game when Chell had to carry it around for an entire test chamber and then incinerate it." He paused for a moment frowning, "She actually told me that she was pretty annoyed with it by the end, not to mention that we have had a few… problems with rabid companion cubes in Average Life."

He shrugged. "Anyway, that's… pretty much it. Yep, that's all I have for this first episode. Well, you can hopefully expect a new chapter every week, mostly on the weekends, and maybe this will bring Xelac out of this writer's block."

He leaned toward the camera and whispered, "Don't tell her I said this, but there are so many sections that require reviewer support so that she doesn't have to think about them herself."

He pulled back and continued casually, "She wanted me to give you puppy eyes to convince you to review, so I got this picture of a puppy's face to show you." He held up a photo of a cute puppy with big brown eyes and floppy ears. Awwww…

He put the picture away. "So, that is all for this chapter, review and give some dares and questions and whatnot and look for us next week. Er… goodbye!"

**A/N: *****smacks Wheatley across the head*******

**Yes, this really is a not-serious spin-off of ALaAS that I am writing to show that I'm not dead. And yes, I am accepting requests to help as well, but if you request something and it isn't exactly what you wanted it to be or if you request romance (which I am not good at) and it either ends up being friendship or it pokes fun at the pairing, please… don't… hurt me…**

**Ahem. Anyway, reviews will be greatly appreciated, I will hopefully get back into writing actual stories eventually, but until then, I hope this is amusing enough.**


	2. Chapter 2

"Oi mates, Wheatley here with another weekly update on the random events in Aperture Science," Wheatley greeted in one breath, "It took me a while to come up with that," he pointed out proudly. "Um, so anyway, let me introduce the cohost of the week… who should be here by now…"

He got off his bed and walked out of the door. The camera stared at the wall for a minute before voices could be heard from the hall.

"Well, you didn't give me a specific time to be here," Chell said as she walked in and sat down, "You didn't plan this out very well, did you?"

"I… well… oh, never mind…" Wheatley failed to counter, sitting beside her, "So, you all know this is Chell…"

"Hey," She greeted casually.

"Well… Let's move on to the first section," he said.

_~The Random Event of the Week~_

The camera showed the TV in the living area, which showed a bunch of brightly colored, cartoon ponies singing. It turned to look at the entire human cast of Average Life staring at it, captivated.

"So, one of the authoress's friends came over," Chell explained when the camera turned to her, "And now…" she gestured to the group watching the show.

"Spaceship is magic…" Space muttered, his eyes wide and unblinking.

"Everyone's just… completely brainwashed by this 'My Little Pony' business," Wheatley said from behind the camera, "Even Anger."

"Now I know how to control all of you," Glados commented, watching the others with a smirk.

The camera switched back.

_~The Prank of the Week~_

"It has, err, come to my attention that I need to remind some of you something," Wheatley began nervously, as if he was afraid the readers would jump through the camera and beat him up, "I said that the prank of the week would be something I do to someone's room, and I got pranks that… _didn't_ involve people's rooms."

"We got requests for pranks involving the oven, the incinerator, and one about putting something over GLaDOS's optic… which is really not a good idea," Chell commented.

"So, I had to come up with the prank by myself again this week," Wheatley said.

"And by 'by himself' he means that he asked me to come up with it for him," Chell corrected.

"I didn't ask you to come up with it for me, I asked for ideas!" Wheatley countered.

"Yes, but you never came up with anything yourself," she replied.

He glared at the camera for a second before continuing, "Well, anyway, I thought about the 'throwing marshmallows' thing in the incinerator and it somehow became this."

"You mean _I_ thought about the 'throwing marshmallows' thing."

"Whatever!"

The camera switched to a scene of a person's bedroom door.

"I'm Abraham De Lacy!" Rick's voice could be heard, "Guiseppe Casey! Thomas O'Ricky! O'Ricky the Adventure core!" He danced (quite badly) into the camera's view as he sang the last few lines. He took a moment to fix his hair before opening his door.

He stood there silently for a second while several bags of marshmallows with a few stray pieces tumbled out. He then bent down and picked up a bag and opened. He ate a marshmallow, shrugged, and entered his room casually, kicking aside knee-deep layer of bags that covered the floor as he shut the door and jumped on the bed.

"That was… anticlimactic," Wheatley commented when the scene switched back to him.

"Obviously, the usual response to finding your room full of marshmallows is to start eating them," Chell said sarcastically.

"Well then," he said, "Moving on."

_~The Dare of the Week~_

"The dare that I chose for this week," he began, "Was to jump into a full swimming pool full of Repulsion Gel."

"Now, _that_ was fun," his cohost commented.

"Well, let's roll the clip."

The scene switched and showed Wheatley nervously watching a pipe slowly fill a pool with the blue gel.

"So… no one's really sure what's going to happen, not even GLaDOS," he said nervously.

"Should be interesting," Chell chuckled evilly from behind the camera.

He glared at her for a second before only being able to come up with "Shut up."

The pool was filled, and the pipe shut off.

"Here goes nothing," he said, jumping in feet first.

The gel bent down without breaking its surface tension, making a hole in its surface with him almost completely buried in it. He screamed like a man as it suddenly flung him upward, the liquid rippling upwards after him like slow-motion water when something falls in it. He struck the surface again, this time on his back, and the gel receded below him and flung him up again just as before, though with less force. He continued to scream as the process continued, even though the momentum lessened with each bounce. Finally, he came to a stop.

"You know, this actually feels pretty nice," he said, laying on it like it was a mattress.

"Just remember that it doesn't like the human skeleton," his cohost reminded him.

"Oh! I'll just get out then," He said, trying to contain his fear. However, the bouncing of the gel as he tried to stand left him in the same position he started in. "Apparently not," he muttered.

Rather than trying to stand, he awkwardly bounced and rolled over to the pool's edge and clambered out.

_~Questions of the Week~_

"Now we have the questions of the week," Wheatley announced, "You have to answer them too, by the way," he told Chell.

**Q 1: What is GLaDOS's neurotoxin made of?**

"Death and despair," he answered firmly.

"Oh, really?" she laughed.

"Well? Say what you think it is."

"The… tears of small children," she replied with a shrug.

**Q 2: Does Morality ever do anything interesting?**

"She breaks up fights, she draws sometimes, she reads, she can bake cookies…" Wheatley listed.

"So yeah, nothing interesting," Chell concluded.

**Q 3:** **Do you actually know who Aristotle is?**

"Of _course_ I do!" he replied with a dismissive wave of his hand, "He's the guy who built the Roman Empire with the Navi party!"

"…What?" she demanded.

**Q 4: What is your favorite type of pony?**

"The… magical kind that prances through fields of flowers," he improvised, clearly not sure at all what he was talking about.

"The kind that breaths fire," she answered with more confidence.

"Ponies can't breath fire!" he countered.

"They can if they're magical!" she replied.

**Q 5: Does pranking GLaDOS's chamber count as pranking someone's room?**

Wheatley was silent.

"Are you going to answer?" Chell asked with a grin.

"Well…" he sighed, "You know what? Yes, yes it does count but… please… no…"

"You do realize you are going to have to at some point now, right?" she stated.

"…Yes."

_~The Meme of the Week~_

"So, for the meme of the week, we have-" Wheatley was interrupted by a small blue glowing ball swirling around his head.

"Hello? Hey! Listen!" it said in an annoying, high-pitched voice. He swatted at it and it flew out of sight.

"Sorry about that, mates," he said, "This weeks meme i-"

"Hey! Hey, listen! Hey! Hey! Listen!" The little thing came back and buzzed around the room, much to Wheatley's annoyance and Chell's amusement.

"Ugh," he growled when it finally went away. "Now. This week's meme…"

"Watch out!" said the blue thing. A storage cube flew into the room and nearly hit him.

He glared at the cube for a second before standing up. "You know what? Whatever. Show's over guys, see you next time."

He left the room, leaving the cube on the floor. The blue orb came back and floated over his bed.

"Good job," Chell told it, holding her hand out for a fist bump.

The fairy replied by bumping into her fist.

**A/N: Yes, it's later than I thought it was going to be, but homework was being mean.**

**Also, I'm still willing to do requests if you guys have any. I'm fresh out of plot bunnies. They all ran away.**

**And yes, I know I shouldn't have involved a Disney parody twice in a row, but it seemed to fit so well… and Rick can't parody as well as Space and Curiosity.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hey guys. Maybe you should just assume that it won't be posted on the weekends. Maybe I should say midweek, since I'm brain dead on weekends?**

"Oi mates, Wheatley here with another update," Wheatley said, "You know, what? I'm beginning to think it's the bloody 'Random Event' that's dragging this show down and getting it out late. It's difficult, running around with a camera trying to catch something funny. So, there might be a few episodes without one. Anyway, we do have one this week, though. But, first, we have the cohost of the week, Glados!"

He turned to the woman sitting behind him in the left hand corner of the bed, who promptly ignored him while reading a book that was undoubtedly about science.

"…Hi, Glados!" He said cheerfully, trying to get her attention.

"We agreed that I would sit here and be your 'cohost' if I didn't have to be involved," she replied off-handedly, not looking up from the book.

He sighed. "Fine. You can just sit there and be boring. Moving on."

_~~The Random Event of the Week~~_

The camera showed a puddle of an oddly colored liquid on the floor beneath three pipes, each for a different type of gel.

"We were wondering what would happen if you mixed all three different kinds of gel," Wheatley explained behind the camera, "We kind of expected it to be a brownish color because of the orange and blue, but apparently some sort of chemical reaction made it that green color, at least according to GLaDOS."

"It's like a yellow-green," Chell commented.

"It's not really that bright yellow-green though, it's dull," he pointed out.

"Yeah, but it's not just green, there's yellow in it," she countered.

"Look, it's chartreuse," GLaDOS corrected them.

They slowly turned towards one of the AI's cameras.

"Uhh… what?" Wheatley asked.

"Chartreuse," the AI repeated, "It's a clear, light green with a yellow tinge."

"Why couldn't we stick with yellow-green?" Chell asked.

"Because it's not as exact," she replied, losing patience, "There are millions of colors that the human eye can perceive, and hundreds of terms for them. One simply can't stick with the classic rainbow."

"You and your fancy colors…" Wheatley murmured, much to Chell's amusement.

The scene changed back.

"I still can't believe you're unwilling to even learn your colors," Glados commented.

"Oh, hush, Fancy Colors," Wheatley said, annoyed, "Moving on to the Prank of the Week."

_~~The Prank of the Week~~_

This time, the camera showed the door to the bathroom. Anger walked out, followed by a fog of steam from his usual blazing hot shower. He had a towel wrapped around his neck and wet, spikey, hot pink hair. He walked casually down the hallway, apparently unaware. Curiosity gave him a curious look as she passed him, but was too afraid to ask.

"He still hasn't noticed," Wheatley said when the camera switched back to him, grinning.

_~~The Dare of the Week~~_

"Well, I think you're all going to like this week's dare," Wheatley said with a mischievous grin, "Especially _you_," he added, turning to Glados, who merely face-palmed.

"So, I got a favor from the nanobots," Wheatley explained, "And they made a few changes to ol' GLaDOS's chatterbox."

"… Which is why she hasn't said anything for the last 5 hours while in the process of fixing it," Glados said darkly, "In other words, you haven't exactly succeeded if you wanted the others to hear these 'changes' and laugh. No one even knows about it."

"…They made her voice sound like she inhaled helium," he pointed out.

"No one's heard it," she countered.

"…Well, it at least would have been funny," he said exasperatedly, "You know, we could try to find a way to _make_ her talk, has she fixed it yet?"

"Yes," GLaDOS interjected in her usual, dark voice, "In fact, I would like to thank you for fessing up. I was about to blame Chell, so I'm sure she would enjoy escorting you to my chamber."

"What? …Oh, hey, Chell…"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxx

_~~The Questions of the Week~~_

"So, uh, now you know why this episode was a little late," Wheatley said quietly, sitting with his knees cradled against his chest while Glados smirked behind him, "S-so, l-let's move on to the questions."

**Q 1:** **Who are Chell's parents or immediate family?**

"She has no family," Glados immediately answered.

"Well, she had to come from _somewhere_," Wheatley countered, "You know all those complicated things that go into making a human."

"Actually, from the information, or lack thereof, in her file," Glados stated, pulling out a packet of papers, "for all we know, she was grown in a test tube." She tossed the packet to him.

He flipped through the file, scowling. "But… What about this big chunk right here that's all marked out in pen?" he asked, pointing it out to her, "I think it might say 'family' right here in the subheading here…"

"No, that's not important," she replied, ripping the file out of his hands.

**Q 2: Where did Wheatley (as a core) originate? Was he human?**

"Umm, I don't know," he replied, "I have no idea."

**Q 3: (copied directly) ****This one's for Wheatley,if a core named Calm,who also became human,appered in an episode,and you don't reconize her,and She started talking about all the core's past,what would you expreion be?And to make sure that you answer truthfully,Calm will be has blond hair that (fom the sholders down) 10inches and 1/3 of an wears a shirt with nyan cat on it and eyes are sky skin is wears pink is Calm as her name says.**

"Uhh, you… you lost me there," Wheatley said, chuckling nervously, "That was a little long for me…"

"There are too many red lines from that on our Word Document," Glados said. "Fix it. Now."

**Q 4: Can you count to three?**

"Pfft, of course I can count to three!" Wheatley said dismissively, "One, two, th-th… thra… err…"

"We were made by Valve," Glados pointed out, "We can't count to three."

"But you just said 'three'!"

"We can _say_ 'three', we just can't say 'one, two, thhhh-' you get the idea."

**Q 5: What is your favorite fancy color?**

"No," Wheatley said in a comically dark voice, "No fancy colors."

"That whole argument wasn't about colors," Glados said exasperatedly, "it was about expanding vocabulary."

"That's not as funny though, Fancy Colors," Wheatley pointed out, gesturing to the camera.

"Oh, is that my nickname now?"

"Yes. You and your AI version."

_~~The Meme of the Week~~_

"Now," Wheatley said, "We are at the end of our show. Now, for the meme of the week-"

**A/N: Trollolololol ;).**


	4. Chapter 4

"Whew, guys, it's been a busy week," Wheatley began, looking exhausted, "So, let's try to move this along quickly. Uh, unfortunately, there will not be a Random Event of the Week due to time constraints. I did say that could happen in an earlier episode, didn't I? Either way, no event this week. Hopefully, there will be one next week, though."

"Anyway, our cohost for this week is, drum roll please, the Fact Core!" he motioned to the scrawny nerd behind him, who was rapidly scribbling on a stack of papers, "What are you doing?"

"I," Fact replied, not looking up, "am writing an encyclopedia to catalogue all of the information I have acquired. Fact: I thought it would be nice for Curiosity."

"Yeaaaah, I don't think that would be very good for her," Wheatley commented under his breath."

"What was that?" Fact asked, looking up.

"Oh, well, you know, all of your facts are, well, not exactly the most accurate…"

"The Fact Sphere is always right. The Fact Sphere is a good sphere whose insights are relevant. My facts are wholly accurate and very interesting."

"Not really…"

"What?"

"Nothing!"

_~~The Prank of the Week~~_

The camera switched to a view outside of Glados's room. Glados walked up to it and opened the door, revealing a completely empty room. She was silent for a second, and then walked away.

The scene switched to another camera that was outside one of the larger elevators. With certainty, she approached the elevator. It opened in response, and a few of her belongings tumbled out.

Her bed was leaned against the wall to make room for the dresser, which had the lamp on it just as it normally does. The floor around it was cluttered with other belongings, such as stray files, science books and documents, and spare equipment.

"I thought so," she muttered, predicting this.

The camera switched back to Wheatley and the Fact Sphere.

"Fact: She my get revenge," Fact warned.

"I know," Wheatley muttered.

"There is a 78.36% chance that all or most of your prank victims will eventually attempt to get back at you."

"I _am_ aware of the risk, mate," he replied exasperatedly, "Anyway, now for the dare of the week."

_~~The Dare of the Week~~_

The scene switched, showing Wheatley cautiously approaching the Anger Sphere.

"Um, hey mate," he greeted nervously.

"What do you want?" the still pink-haired Anger replied with a glare.

"Uh, well, you see…" he stammered.

"Get on with it," Anger growled.

"Ha-have you noticed, by any chance that y-your hair is, um… pink?"

There was silence. Wheatley shifted his weight nervously.

"…What?" Anger asked in a voice barely above a whisper that seemed to echo around the room.

"Alright, now that that's taken care of, I'll, uh, be going!" Wheatley said quickly, turning and walking swiftly away.

Anger, however, quickly caught up with him and kicked his legs out from under him, making him fall on his face.

"Thanks for telling me," Anger said calmly.

The camera switched back.

"In case you were wondering, yes, it still hurts," Wheatley said.

_~~The Questions of the Week~~_

**Q 1: What does the green gel do?**

"What green gel? It's uh, it's some fancy color that has green in it and stuff," he answered, "And I have no idea what it does, but I can tell you that it's probably deadly."

"Fact: It's chartreuse," Fact pointed out.

"Don't care, mate."

**Q 2: What do you think of 'insane Wheatley'?**

"I do not want to speak of this," Wheatley said evasively.

"Fact: Because he lost that battle, he is clearly inferior to the winners," the Fact Sphere said decisively.

"Are you trying to say that GLaDOS is better?" he demanded.

"Yes."

**Q 3: Do the cores' human voices sound the same as when they were cores?**

"Yeah, of course they do," Wheatley replied like it was obvious, "Why wouldn't they?"

"Fact: Sounds produced by a human larynx are usually different from those produced by a robot's speaker," the Fact Sphere informed him.

"Well, somehow our voices sound exactly the same," he replied.

**Q 4: Wheatley, how do you feel about being dumber than the Frankenturrets?**

"I'm not dumber than the Frankenturrets!" Wheatley countered.

"Fact: Yes, you are," Fact replied.

"I'm technically above them on that 'Food Chain' thing," he pointed out.

"The Food Chain does not use intelligence as a main factor."

"Oh, whatever."

**Q 5: Okay, let's put that question from the last chapter into simple, grammar-friendly terms that even Wheatley can understand.**

**What if a person named 'Calm' (who was apparently a core previously), whom you did not recognize, began to talk about the core's past (right after you ask who she is), what would your expression be?**

"Okay, that's still a bit confusing," Wheatley said, reading over the question again, "I mean, you've got an OC interjected here, I'm not sure what you mean by 'the core's past'… which core's past? Hers or mine or someone else's? I know I've been told that I'm not very good at analysis…"

"Someone named Calm is talking about someone's past, how do you react?" Fact translated.

"Uh, well, I guess I would be rather confused," Wheatley answered uncertainly, "Well, I guess we'll move on now."

_~~The Meme of the Week~~_

"So, the meme of this week is 'The cake is a lie'," Wheatley explained, "So, we decided we would bring you cake. But, the cake is a lie, so there's no cake. That's pretty much it for this episode, thanks for reading, and I might see you next week. The thing is, either this will be posted, or some other fanfiction. Either way, goodbye, and have a nice, whatever time of day it is when you read this!"

**A/N: Either this will be updated again (I am planning on continuing this for a while, whether I'm able to keep up the weekly updates or not) or I will do some other fanfiction. If anything, I'll probably bring ol' Roadtrip! Back. But, it won't be the same as last time. Odds are, that fic will be deleted, and the beginning of the new version will probably be the same, but with a completely different plot introduced.**


End file.
